More Zingers

scope-eye

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 9, 2009
Messages
703
Location
FL
I tried donating blood today... NEVER AGAIN! Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?

Me: It's not about how many times you fall, it's about how you get back up.
Cop: That's not how this sobriety test works.

Dear Mother-in-law,
Stop telling me how to raise my kids, I live with one of yours and I've seen your work.

When you actually do the arithmetic, a ton of people is really only about 10 guys

Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.

For the best seat in the house, you'll have to move the dog.

Dean
 

BW64

Well-Known Member
Joined
Oct 10, 2017
Messages
235
Location
Arizona
Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!”

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings.”

Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ..”
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?”
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr.”
But, what’s with the flowers?
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?”
The driver replied, "Bout whut?”

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head.”
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.’ "

**Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.


AND ONE MORE:

A WOMAN WALKS INTO THE DOWNTOWN WELFARE OFFICE, TRAILED BY 15 KIDS.

'WOW,' THE SOCIAL WORKER EXCLAIMS, 'ARE THEY ALL YOURS?’

'YEP, THEY'RE ALL MINE, ' THE FLUSTERED MOMMA SIGHS, HAVING HEARD THAT QUESTION A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE. SHE SAYS, 'SIT DOWN, TERRY.' ALL THE CHILDREN RUSH TO FIND SEATS.

'WELL,' SAYS THE SOCIAL WORKER, 'THEN YOU MUST BE HERE TO SIGN UP. I'LL NEED ALL YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES.’

”WELL, TO KEEP IT SIMPLE, THE BOYS ARE ALL NAMED TERRY AND THE GIRLS ARE ALL NAMED TERRI.”

IN DISBELIEF, THE CASE WORKER SAYS, 'ARE YOU SERIOUS? THEY'RE ALL NAMED TERRY?’

THEIR MOMMA REPLIED, 'WELL, YES - IT MAKES IT EASIER. WHEN IT'S TIME TO GET THEM OUT OF BED AND READY FOR SCHOOL , I YELL, TERRY! AND WHEN IT'S TIME FOR DINNER, I JUST YELL TERRY! AND THEY ALL COME A RUNNING. IF I NEED TO STOP THE KID WHO'S RUNNING INTO THE STREET, I JUST YELL TERRY AND ALL OF THEM STOP. IT'S THE SMARTEST IDEA I EVER HAD, NAMING THEM ALL TERRY.’

THE SOCIAL WORKER THINKS THIS OVER FOR A BIT, THEN WRINKLES HER FOREHEAD AND SAYS TENTATIVELY, 'BUT WHAT IF YOU JUST WANT ONE KID TO COME, AND NOT THE WHOLE BUNCH? ‘

'THEN I CALL THEM BY THEIR LAST NAMES.'
 

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