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A Couple Of Quickies
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<blockquote data-quote="scope-eye" data-source="post: 2209771" data-attributes="member: 21274"><p><hr class="bbc-hr bbc-hr--3" /><p>There are many paths on the journey through life.</p><p></p><p>I think I might have chosen the psychopath.</p><p>_____</p><p></p><p>There is a state statute (Title 13 Article 368-368.5) which makes it a high crime to have sex with insane or mentally defective individuals.</p><p></p><p>Considering some of the women I've dated... That makes me a Felon.</p><p>_____</p><p></p><p></p><p>"Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."</p><p>Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."</p><p>Patient: "I just did, you frickin jackass!"</p><p>_____</p><p></p><p>My new girlfriend really takes my breath away!</p><p></p><p>She's inflatable.</p><p>_____</p><p></p><p>The local bondage club was robbed last night, we were all left bound and gagged.</p><p></p><p>We loved it.</p><p>_____</p><p></p><p>"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist, as the Police Officer handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.</p><p></p><p>"Keep it," the Officer advised, "When you get four of them, you get a bicycle."</p><p>_____</p><p></p><p></p><p>"Will you love me when I'm old and ugly?"</p><p></p><p>"Darling, of course I do."</p><p>_____</p><p></p><p>I had lunch with a chess champion the other day.</p><p></p><p>It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.</p><p>_____</p><p></p><p>25% of men in this country are on medication for mental illness.</p><p></p><p>That's scary...</p><p></p><p>It means 75% are running around with no medication at all!</p><p></p><hr class="bbc-hr bbc-hr--3" /><p>I love sleeping. It's like being dead...........</p><p></p><p>without the commitment.</p><p>_____</p><p></p><p>If people could read my mind...................</p><p></p><p>I'd get punched in the face a lot.</p><p>_____</p><p></p><p>How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.</p><p>_____</p><p></p><p>Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.</p><p></p><p>"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.</p><p></p><p>Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.</p><p></p><p>She was "only thinking of me," she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellows.</p><p></p><p>I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.</p><p></p><p>She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"</p><p></p><p>I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.</p><p></p><p>She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."</p><p></p><p>"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"</p><p></p><p>The line went dead.</p><p></p><p>Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.</p><p>_____</p><p></p><p>I'm proficient in three languages:</p><p></p><p>English, Sarcasm, and Profanity.</p><p>_____</p><p></p><p>I like you, but...........................</p><p></p><p>if Zombies start chasing us, I'm tripping you.</p><p>_____</p><p></p><p>I went back to my hometown and decided to visit the house I grew up in.</p><p></p><p>I ask the occupants if I could come inside. They said, "No!"</p><p></p><p>My parents can be so grouchy sometimes.</p><p>_____</p><p></p><p>Dog owner: Every time a bell rings my dog goes and sits in the corner.</p><p></p><p>Vet: That's perfectly normal. He's a boxer.</p><p></p><p>PS: A Couple Of Quickies "then my wife said oppose to what, I can't tell the difference"</p><p></p><p>Dean---------- Woe is me</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scope-eye, post: 2209771, member: 21274"] [HR][/HR] There are many paths on the journey through life. I think I might have chosen the psychopath. _____ There is a state statute (Title 13 Article 368-368.5) which makes it a high crime to have sex with insane or mentally defective individuals. Considering some of the women I've dated... That makes me a Felon. _____ "Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people." Doctor: "Tell me about your problem." Patient: "I just did, you frickin jackass!" _____ My new girlfriend really takes my breath away! She's inflatable. _____ The local bondage club was robbed last night, we were all left bound and gagged. We loved it. _____ “What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist, as the Police Officer handed him a receipt for his traffic violation. “Keep it,” the Officer advised, “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.” _____ “Will you love me when I’m old and ugly?” “Darling, of course I do.” _____ I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt. _____ 25% of men in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary... It means 75% are running around with no medication at all! [HR][/HR] I love sleeping. It's like being dead........... without the commitment. _____ If people could read my mind................... I'd get punched in the face a lot. _____ How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on. _____ Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked. Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me," she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellows. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!" The line went dead. Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun. _____ I'm proficient in three languages: English, Sarcasm, and Profanity. _____ I like you, but........................... if Zombies start chasing us, I'm tripping you. _____ I went back to my hometown and decided to visit the house I grew up in. I ask the occupants if I could come inside. They said, "No!" My parents can be so grouchy sometimes. _____ Dog owner: Every time a bell rings my dog goes and sits in the corner. Vet: That's perfectly normal. He's a boxer. PS: A Couple Of Quickies "then my wife said oppose to what, I can't tell the difference" Dean---------- Woe is me [/QUOTE]
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