History Lesson or Why it is now the way that it is.

Discussion in 'Humor' started by royinidaho, Jun 23, 2008.

  1. royinidaho

    royinidaho Writers Guild

    Jan 20, 2004
    > History lesson
    > Humans originally existed as members of small bands of
    > nomadic
    > hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains
    > during the
    > summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and
    > lobster in the
    > winter.
    > The two most important events in all of history were:
    > 1. The invention of beer, and
    > 2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to
    > get beer
    > to the men.
    > These were the foundation of modern civilization and
    > together were
    > the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
    > distinct
    > subgroups:
    > 1. Liberals
    > 2. Conservatives.
    > Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was
    > the
    > beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor
    > aluminum can
    > were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting
    > around
    > waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to
    > the
    > brewery. That's how villages were formed.
    > Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to
    > B-B-Q at night while they drank beer. This was the
    > beginning of
    > what is known as the Conservative movement.
    > Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting
    > learned to
    > live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly
    > B-B-Q's and
    > doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the
    > beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal
    > men
    > eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as
    > girlie-men.
    > Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
    > domestication of
    > cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the
    > concept of
    > Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer
    > that
    > conservatives provided.
    > Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the
    > largest,
    > most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals
    > are
    > symbolized by the ass (Liberals sometimes call this animal
    > a
    > donkey).
    > Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but
    > most
    > prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw
    > fish but
    > like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are
    > standard
    > liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note:
    > most of
    > their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
    > Most
    > social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists,
    > dreamers in
    > Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals
    > invented the
    > designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make
    > the pitcher
    > also bat.
    > Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and
    > still
    > provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game
    > hunters, rodeo
    > cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,
    > medical
    > doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes,
    > Marines,
    > and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives
    > who own
    > companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a
    > living.
    > Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
    > producers and decide what to do with the production.
    > Liberals
    > believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That
    > is why
    > most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives
    > were
    > coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was
    > tamed and
    > created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
    > Here ends today's lesson in world history.......
    > It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge
    > to
    > angrily stamp his/her foot in response to the above.
    > A Conservative will simply laugh and forward it to every
    > liberal
    > they know just to piss them off....
    > Have A Great Day!!