Taser testing in China

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Gnome!, Sep 29, 2010.

  1. Gnome!

    Gnome! Well-Known Member

    May 4, 2010
    Last month I saw something at the local Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 2nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Amy. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Amy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping the cat (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other.
    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

    I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, dip ****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

    I'm pretty sure Chuck Norris ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

    P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

    'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2010
  2. trueblue

    trueblue Well-Known Member

    Feb 18, 2008
    Funniest post I have read on hear. I laughed my --- off.
  3. Oliveralan

    Oliveralan Well-Known Member

    Sep 15, 2009
    My god!! That's haularious!! I laughed real hard. Well at least you had the balls to try it :D
  4. bigngreen

    bigngreen Well-Known Member

    Nov 24, 2008
    Wow, I can't let this info fall into the hands of my wife, I'd come to hearing the sounds of a cackling woman :D
  5. 7mm mag sendero

    7mm mag sendero Active Member

    Nov 23, 2009
    LOLOLOL ---- that was grate i almost pissed myself reading this.Man you had some big balls to do this thanks for the GRATE time.thank god you didnt get to cat lololololololololol:D:D:D
  6. winmag

    winmag Well-Known Member

    Dec 23, 2009
    Ive seen that one before and laughed so hard I had tears, and almost peed myself. It was a joy to read again. Thanks for posting
  7. Bato

    Bato New Member

    Oct 4, 2010
    hahahaa I always wanted to do it, but after reading your story - no way!
  8. Gnome!

    Gnome! Well-Known Member

    May 4, 2010
    LOL I'm glad yo all like the laugh as I still get a real laugh out of it myself.

    This was not me by the way but an acquaintance of mine and like Winmag I to still get a real good giggle when I re read it.
  9. Fuller

    Fuller Member

    Aug 25, 2010
    That's crazy. My friend hit me with a taser once. No fun.... It wasn't as bad as that, but dang....
  10. hollywood88

    hollywood88 Well-Known Member

    Dec 23, 2010
    im not even gonna start on the whole taser thing. me and my buddies got the "bright" idea of all buying tasers one day and we decided to play tag from hell with them. all i can say is that there were no real winners. but my one shocking expirience that tops my taser one was when i accidentily discharged a 12 farad capacitor for a car audio system on myself. i woke up like 20 minutes after the incident in my driveway and i had p****d myself. my buddy was just standing there poking me with a stick to see if i'd twitch!!!!!