Need guidance from Law Enforcement

I was never in law enforcement, but I trained some in So Cal. And many went to Compton or Inglewood PD as well as surrounding agencies in the area. I also worked with many "hard chargers" back then. These people may have been feared on the street, but they were some of the kindest people I have known. So I don't think the job always means "being mean" or abusive at home.
 
xsn10s said:
I was never in law enforcement, but I trained some in So Cal. And many went to Compton or Inglewood PD as well as surrounding agencies in the area. I also worked with many "hard chargers" back then. These people may have been feared on the street, but they were some of the kindest people I have known. So I don't think the job always means "being mean" or abusive at home.
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I will go on the record saying it NEVER should. There is absolutely no justification for it. Not for Law enforcement or any other job. Everyone has a bad day at work or they are not working. When they go home they need to relax and unwind with their loved ones, not attack them. I am simply asking if there is anything I can do to keep this from happening again?
 
I wish there was an absolute method of preventing it. As of now I know of none. All I can say is people are fallible. Unfortunately abuse can come from any person irrespective of occupation or community standing. A counselor specifically dealing with abuse would have a better answer. All I am saying is the job doesn't mean the person will be abusive.
 
Orange Dust said:
Guys, I need your help. My daughter divorced a Deputy that had 10 years on the force. The reason is he couldn't leave the job there when he came home. He was involved with the worst of the worst and it took a toll on him. He just couldn't turn off being mean when he got home. Beat her up a couple of times for no reason. Some folks should never be married. Now, with that background, its happening all over again. She is dating (smitten really) with another Deputy. This guy is a rookie still in training and has neither had to deal with really bad folks, nor had to deal with being mean all day and turning it off when he gets home. I need to start out on the right foot. She is bringing him to meet us Sunday. Here is where I really need some help and guidance from you guys. What can I do to help see that this doesn't happen all over again? I had a great relationship with the first one. We really enjoyed hunting and shooting together, but I was useless helping my daughter defusing the pent up anger he brought home. I do get it, I know just how difficult your jobs are, got the blow by blow every day. But, I really want to learn what I can do to keep this from happening again.
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Your daughter may also have a problem. Moving from one deputy to another deputy may be a sign of dependency that will lead to doing the same thing over and over with the same results. Do not fail her by believing that the guy is the only problem. You may need to talk to her separately. I have known police officers that married the same type of men or women over and over, and they never found what they were looking for.

Do you have any pets in your house, especially a dog? If the new deputy comes to your home and does not treat your dog with kindness, he may not be the person for your daughter. That is just a rather well-believed marker of temperament in a person.

I was a city police officer for 30 years and I had some very bad days on the streets, but never did I come home and hit my wife. The two are not synonymous. Rookie deputies are bound to change with the stress of the job, but if he is good with kids and dogs, there is hope for him, but he WILL require help and understanding from your daughter.
 
Treeslug said:
Your daughter may also have a problem. Moving from one deputy to another deputy may be a sign of dependency that will lead to doing the same thing over and over with the same results. Do not fail her by believing that the guy is the only problem. You may need to talk to her separately. I have known police officers that married the same type of men or women over and over, and they never found what they were looking for.

Do you have any pets in your house, especially a dog? If the new deputy comes to your home and does not treat your dog with kindness, he may not be the person for your daughter. That is just a rather well-believed marker of temperament in a person.

I was a city police officer for 30 years and I had some very bad days on the streets, but never did I come home and hit my wife. The two are not synonymous. Rookie deputies are bound to change with the stress of the job, but if he is good with kids and dogs, there is hope for him, but he WILL require help and understanding from your daughter.
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She has dated half a dozen guys since her divorce that were not LE. She didn't know this guy was at first, so that's not an issue I don't think, she does have one problem, she only sees the good in people. I am old enough I don't trust anyone if I haven't known them for 20 years, and then I still watch my back. I agree about the dogs, have 5 of them. Mine let me down on the X. They all loved him. He loved dogs and was good to them. Humans? Not so much.
 
Being a cop never means being mean. There is a huge difference between having good verbal judo, command presence, being able to take action when action needs to be taken, and being plain mean. It doesn't really matter where you are, when you are dealing with someone that wants to kill you or is willing to do anything to get out of the situation they are in, the best way to get out of the situation alive is never going to be being mean, all that does is escalate a tense situation further. It is using your de-escalation skills properly, and if that fails, then your less lethal and/or firearm/tactical/hand to hand combat skills are the last resort. I have heard this at more than one training - Be polite, Be professional, and have a plan to take out everyone you meet.

As far as my family, my wife and kids are my sanctuary, and I treat them that way. I have absolutely had days where my work followed me home, and my wife and myself have had a couple arguments before where I had to apologize afterwards because I started the argument out of frustration from work, but I have never, and would never, lay my hands on my wife, and the only times my kids have been spanked has been standard discipline, never in anger. I certainly have had times when I took the long way driving home, because I wasn't ready to "dad" yet, so I gave myself more time to decompress.

Someone that is mean, has nothing to do with having to be mean at work, and honestly don't belong in LE if they truly are "mean". We have to have more control at work than the average person, especially these days. The challenges certainly are there, but a person needs to know how to manage the stress from the job. I believe everyone in LE should have someone, whether it a counselor, a close coworker, or someone that they can trust in a deep manner to talk to, and should also spend as much time training how to manage their emotional stress as they do learning how to do the job. This book has helped me immensely, and is also a good book for those that have a LE member in their family to read to better understand what comes with the job. I suggest you get it, read it, and maybe pass it on to this guy in time.

https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-su...val+for+law+enforcement&qid=1619205775&sr=8-1

Feel free to P.M. me, I can give you my number and we can talk more. I know how this stuff goes. My mother and father are both long time LEO's, My mother's cousin served 35 years in Glendora California, and myself and my cousin work together here at my Department.
 
codyadams said:
Being a cop never means being mean. There is a huge difference between having good verbal judo, command presence, being able to take action when action needs to be taken, and being plain mean. It doesn't really matter where you are, when you are dealing with someone that wants to kill you or is willing to do anything to get out of the situation they are in, the best way to get out of the situation alive is never going to be being mean, all that does is escalate a tense situation further. It is using your de-escalation skills properly, and if that fails, then your less lethal and/or firearm/tactical/hand to hand combat skills are the last resort. I have heard this at more than one training - Be polite, Be professional, and have a plan to take out everyone you meet.

As far as my family, my wife and kids are my sanctuary, and I treat them that way. I have absolutely had days where my work followed me home, and my wife and myself have had a couple arguments before where I had to apologize afterwards because I started the argument out of frustration from work, but I have never, and would never, lay my hands on my wife, and the only times my kids have been spanked has been standard discipline, never in anger. I certainly have had times when I took the long way driving home, because I wasn't ready to "dad" yet, so I gave myself more time to decompress.

Someone that is mean, has nothing to do with having to be mean at work, and honestly don't belong in LE if they truly are "mean". We have to have more control at work than the average person, especially these days. The challenges certainly are there, but a person needs to know how to manage the stress from the job. I believe everyone in LE should have someone, whether it a counselor, a close coworker, or someone that they can trust in a deep manner to talk to, and should also spend as much time training how to manage their emotional stress as they do learning how to do the job. This book has helped me immensely, and is also a good book for those that have a LE member in their family to read to better understand what comes with the job. I suggest you get it, read it, and maybe pass it on to this guy in time.

https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-su...val+for+law+enforcement&qid=1619205775&sr=8-1

Feel free to P.M. me, I can give you my number and we can talk more. I know how this stuff goes. My mother and father are both long time LEO's, My mother's cousin served 35 years in Glendora California, and myself and my cousin work together here at my Department.
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thanks Cody, wish you had made the move to Arkansas. You are a great guy. This guy was mean. As in he used to cage fight for a hobby, just for fun before he married her. He enjoyed hurting people. Another thing I found out too late. Just between you and me, I'm no Dr and don't play one on TV, but I think he acted so mean because he was a coward, and trying to hide it. He sure was afraid of me. And had every right to be afraid.
 
Orange Dust said:
thanks Cody, wish you had made the move to Arkansas. You are a great guy. This guy was mean. As in he used to cage fight for a hobby, just for fun before he married her. He enjoyed hurting people. Another thing I found out too late. Just between you and me, I'm no Dr and don't play one on TV, but I think he acted so mean because he was a coward, and trying to hide it. He sure was afraid of me. And had every right to be afraid.
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If you get that book, have your Daughter read it too. Unfortunately, there likely isn't anything you can directly do to determine who she decides to be with, but you can indirectly give her the knowledge she would need to recognize when there is a problem, and how to appropriately handle it, and also know when it may be time to cut losses. I hope the best, and like I said, if you want to talk feel free to p.m. me, we can talk.
 
codyadams said:
If you get that book, have your Daughter read it too. Unfortunately, there likely isn't anything you can directly do to determine who she decides to be with, but you can indirectly give her the knowledge she would need to recognize when there is a problem, and how to appropriately handle it, and also know when it may be time to cut losses. I hope the best, and like I said, if you want to talk feel free to p.m. me, we can talk.
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THANK YOU SO MUCH. While I cannot control who she dates, I do know when to fish and when to cut bait. We will see how it goes. I am very good at running folks off. Just causes issues with the Mrs. if I do it before she thinks I should. I just keep dreaming my youngest daughter will find someone that treats her like my older daughter's husband treats her. Is that too much to ask? I don't care what he does for a living as long as its an honest one, or how much money he makes. I only care what he does when he is with her.
 
Lot's of good advice here.

I'm not in LE never have been and likely never will, but I do have a young daughter. I will second what Cody said about not controlling her choice of man. I know too many Dad's who were against their daughters relationship that ended up having NO relationship with their Daughter or Son-in-law because they drove a hard line. My wife and I are at that place with her parents. I'm not saying you're doing this, the fact that you're here talking through it tells me you're not that kind of Dad. If I'm ever in that position I would hope to be able to talk about my hesitation with my Daughter and her boyfriend, not to break them up but to make them aware of some of the difficulties they will likely face unique to their situation. That way they can prepare for it better and I can hopefully be involved enough in their lives to walk with them when those hard times hit.

First time meeting him though, I'd have to say give him a chance, yes I've been hurt a few times because of that policy but I still feel that's the right thing to do.
 
Carsyn.22 said:
Lot's of good advice here.

I'm not in LE never have been and likely never will, but I do have a young daughter. I will second what Cody said about not controlling her choice of man. I know too many Dad's who were against their daughters relationship that ended up having NO relationship with their Daughter or Son-in-law because they drove a hard line. My wife and I are at that place with her parents. I'm not saying you're doing this, the fact that you're here talking through it tells me you're not that kind of Dad. If I'm ever in that position I would hope to be able to talk about my hesitation with my Daughter and her boyfriend, not to break them up but to make them aware of some of the difficulties they will likely face unique to their situation. That way they can prepare for it better and I can hopefully be involved enough in their lives to walk with them when those hard times hit.

First time meeting him though, I'd have to say give him a chance, yes I've been hurt a few times because of that policy but I still feel that's the right thing to do.
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That is exactly what I would have done and will do. He will get the same chance with me as anyone. He's only 22 and she is 25. From what I've herd a great guy. Just want to do my part to make sure he doesn't choose a dark path.
 
Treeslug said:
Your daughter may also have a problem. Moving from one deputy to another deputy may be a sign of dependency that will lead to doing the same thing over and over with the same results. Do not fail her by believing that the guy is the only problem. You may need to talk to her separately. I have known police officers that married the same type of men or women over and over, and they never found what they were looking for.

Do you have any pets in your house, especially a dog? If the new deputy comes to your home and does not treat your dog with kindness, he may not be the person for your daughter. That is just a rather well-believed marker of temperament in a person.

I was a city police officer for 30 years and I had some very bad days on the streets, but never did I come home and hit my wife. The two are not synonymous. Rookie deputies are bound to change with the stress of the job, but if he is good with kids and dogs, there is hope for him, but he WILL require help and understanding from your daughter.
Click to expand...
I like what you're saying about the dog.

im a pastor, and having done quite a few funerals now there's something an older minister said that has stuck with me regarding a) how we'll be remembered in death and b) what we can tell about a person in life. He said "you can judge a man's character pretty accurately on how he treats old people and kids". I'd add animals to that list too.
 

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