That would really hurt!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Discussion in 'Humor' started by magicofmt, Feb 1, 2008.

  1. magicofmt

    magicofmt Well-Known Member

    May 9, 2005
    Actual Letter from someone who farms in Kansas.

    I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall,

    feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

    The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that,

    since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have

    Much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come

    right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the

    truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get

    up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie

    it and transport it home.

    I filled the cattle feeder then h id down at the end with my rope.

    The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.

    They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer

    showed up -- 3 of them.

    I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the

    feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

    I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would

    have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you

    could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

    I took a step towards it... it took a step away. I put a little

    tension on the rope and received an education.

    The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand

    there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to

    action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

    The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT

    stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I

    could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance.

    That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no

    controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me

    off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to

    me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I

    originally imagined.

    The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many


    A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to

    jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me

    a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the

    blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

    At th at point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just

    wanted to ge t that devil creature off the end of that rope. I

    figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it

    would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was

    no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the

    thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

    Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had

    cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against

    various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still

    think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that

    I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were

    in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I

    managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder -

    a little trap I had set before hand... kind of like a squeeze chute.

    I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my

    rope back.

    Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years

    would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very

    surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer

    grabbed hold of my wrist.

    Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where

    they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its

    head -- almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

    The proper thing to do when a deer bites yo u is probably to freeze

    and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My

    method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking

    for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being

    smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now)

    tricked it.

    While I kept it busy tearing the #**#** out of my right arm, I

    reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

    That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

    Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on

    their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and

    their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

    I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse -- ;

    strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the

    best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive

    move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a

    bit so you can escape.

    This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery

    would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different


    I screamed like a woman ! and tried to turn and run.

    The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a

    horse th at paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will

    hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from

    horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil,

    because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of

    the head and knocked me down.

    Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not

    immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger

    has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and

    down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and

    covering your head.

    I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
  2. Brain

    Brain Well-Known Member

    Jan 18, 2007
    I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground

    This line had me laughing for a few minutes.