Tazar !!!

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by birdhunter88, Jul 21, 2004.

  1. birdhunter88

    birdhunter88 Member

    Messages:
    15
    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2004
    WARNING: If you need to use the restroom, do it now before you read this post. If you don't you run the risk of wetting your pants. It is kinda long but you will not regret taking the time to read it.

    bird


    Let me make this clear...this is not me. I did not write this. I saw it on another forum and had to share it. Enjoy!


    Dear Friends,

    Beth is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something
    akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone
    myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a
    LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes. Last weekend I spied
    something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in
    mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled. Beth sent me into Star Market to
    pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a superball in the checkout
    line--50 cents. What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does. That
    thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me with hours of
    entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it?)

    I'm so easily distracted. That dang superball is so much fun. So what were
    we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool at Larry's
    Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I
    was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came
    across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For
    those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
    less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
    an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while
    you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
    long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time
    to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed
    assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
    goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've
    never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing
    out--way too cool!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
    triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
    so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
    directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
    not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire
    for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
    against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
    back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
    so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
    Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused, just fyi, but I have yet to explain to
    Beth what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave . . . ruuuu roooo.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
    There I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting
    little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Molly), and
    thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
    target. I must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a fraction of a
    second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet doggy, after all.
    But, if I was going to give this thing to Beth to protect herself against
    a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
    wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time . .
    .

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
    perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
    in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
    disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
    spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
    purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
    water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
    long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded
    with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no boody
    way!" Bloody way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
    Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
    followed. I'm sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her head *censored*ed
    to one side as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one-second
    burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound,
    rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided
    to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You
    know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so
    obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed
    so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my
    naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!
    I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked
    me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and
    over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
    nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left
    arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Molly was standing over
    me making whimpering sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
    undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do it again!" (Note:
    If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
    caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
    yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged
    from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're
    lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like
    yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute/so later (I can't be
    sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits
    (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
    glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My
    triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt
    like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    +/- an ounce/two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my
    testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round,
    rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. They make
    a clanging sound, and were last seen hanging from Beth's rearview mirror.
    Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

    NOTE TO MEN: DO NOT buy your wife a Tazer gun. Beth's is broke now and it
    may be awhile before I get around to fixing the damn thing.

    NOTE TO WOMEN: Buy lots of batteries . . . think of the possibilities.

    This message is provided to you as a public service to illustrate that
    stupid should hurt, and most assuredly always does in my case. Have a nice
    day!


    null
     

  2. 4ked Horn

    4ked Horn Writers Guild

    Messages:
    1,519
    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2007
    Keep your eye on this guy. He is bound for the "Darwin awards" sooner or later.

    Good story.

    This reminds me, If anyone wants to try slipping a 2 litre bottle with a hole in the bottom over their gun barrel to make it more quiet I wouldn't advise it.

    I was in the pressence of just such an act. The shooter said that he saw this idea several times and just wanted to give it a whirl. Well I thought what the heck I want to hear how quiet it was so I removed my earcups. After all, I had been to a few class 3 fun shoots and the legit supressors work real well so this couldnt be too bad.

    WRONG!!

    The .308 was the loudest gun I have ever heard. EVER. The two liter bottle disintegrated instantly leaving behind only part of the mouth of the bottle and a flower shaped section of the heavy plastic bottom. The flame that the gun produced shot out of the muzzle about 10 feet and was sort of cool to see but it couldnt have been good since without the bottle it was nonexistent.

    Mostly the surprise was the deafening noise this all produced. All present learned in a split second that this was a bad bad idea that should NOT be repeated.