Nascar Fan General Behavior

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Buffalobob, Mar 15, 2008.

  1. Buffalobob

    Buffalobob Writers Guild

    Messages:
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    Jun 12, 2001
    1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

    2. It's considered poor taste to take a Budweiser cooler to church,
    even if the NASCAR races do start at noon.

    3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

    4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
    still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

    **DINING OUT ***

    1. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

    ***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

    1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
    a taxidermist.

    2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
    manners are.

    ***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
    should be done in private using one's OWN pick-up truck keys.

    2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
    However, if you live alone.. Deodorant is a waste of beer money.

    ***DATING (Outside the Family)***

    1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
    date.

    2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
    wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall
    two years ago."

    3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
    will say 10:00 PM ; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
    answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

    4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such
    as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

    ***WEDDINGS***

    1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

    2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

    3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with
    cummerbund and a clean Home Depot shirt can create too sporty an
    appearance.

    4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks, shoes and clean
    underwear for this special occasion.

    ***DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***

    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
    loaded, and the deer is in sight.

    2. When approaching a four-way stop the vehicle with the largest
    tires always has the right of way.

    3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

    4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
    impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

    5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
    driving.

    6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

    ***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A NASCAR FAN MURDER ***

    1. All the DNA is the same.

    2. There are no dental records.

    3. Impossible to match buckshot to a shotgun!