Made my sides hurt, to funny

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Southpaw, Feb 17, 2009.

  1. Southpaw

    Southpaw Well-Known Member

    May 17, 2007
    I have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
    months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the
    entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
    wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest Cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

    I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into
    the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the
    ground, the better the fence works.

    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart
    6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the
    yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running
    lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
    on fire on the cover.

    Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls
    trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that
    Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark
    in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

    Science says one cannot crap, pee, and get a nut at the
    same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel
    movement, where time is creeping along and you're all
    leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes
    in between but in reality it was so close together it was
    like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand..

    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds)
    into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go.
    I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences...
    but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long
    ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the
    permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

    'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the
    tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'.
    But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely
    and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
    humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day...he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...
    I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it.

    I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

    1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
    2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
    butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
    3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might first think.
    4- My left eye will not open.
    5- My right eye will not close.
    6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
    7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
    8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)
    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect
    for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

    The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over
    the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
  2. Moorespeedr

    Moorespeedr Member

    Jan 16, 2009
    Do not read this if you are at work and are supposed to be doing something productive. Everybody in the office knows you are goofing off by the way you are snickering and your eyes are full of tears.

    Awesome read!!!!!

  3. BigDaddy0381

    BigDaddy0381 Well-Known Member

    Apr 30, 2007
    Oh my southpaw that is funny in a sick way but still funny. I have been is a fence like that my self. It will make you wind your ass and scratch your watch really fast.
  4. Southpaw

    Southpaw Well-Known Member

    May 17, 2007
    I posted this with a degree of relatedness. When I was a young boy I pissed on an electric fence not knowing what it was. I have an uncle to thank for that little life lesson--LOL

    Isn't family great.

  5. BigDaddy0381

    BigDaddy0381 Well-Known Member

    Apr 30, 2007
    yeah family is great. my uncles have about killed me more than once.

    In high school I helped a guy run fence for horse and cattle farms. small one's in Ga. It never failed after running a nice elec fence i would always touch it. I guess I was dumber then than I am now. always testing something.

    The fun ones was the pulse fence. It would send a pulse about every 10 seconds or so. the first few times I would get lucky but then testing my luck it would knock fire from my nose.
  6. magicofmt

    magicofmt Well-Known Member

    May 9, 2005
    Yep, when we were young on the farm, we thought we would shock some frogs. NOT, don't know if they felt it but we sure did!
  7. LostInSpace278

    LostInSpace278 Well-Known Member

    Aug 29, 2008
    This post brings back fond memories. My grandfather has very few nerve ending in his body. I don't why, but this man feels no pain. I have seen him numerous times grab an electric fence, raise a foot and sparks fly from his foot to the wet grass below. Anyone have any idea what goes through the mind of a 5 year old when he witnesses this type of thing. I do! I tried this several times over the years, but never once was I man enough to make sparks fly out of my feet. Not that I can remember anyway. Memory gets a little foggy when you have that kind of amperage running through you.
  8. MachV

    MachV Well-Known Member

    May 31, 2001
    Just about had a seizure reading this....I'm that sensitive to electicity. My little brother was told to shut off the fencer and forgot??? Got the woopun of my life when Dad saw my little brother wraped in wire hooked to the fence. They always remembered to shut off and leave off the fence after that though :D
    Had a brother in law that was good for only one thing, that was fixing and/or testing the fence. He could grab both ends of a broken wire and tie them back together again...all the while you could tell the fence was workin cause his eyes would widen a little every time that weedburner sent voltage through the line!
  9. milanuk

    milanuk Well-Known Member

    Jan 21, 2002
    I grew up on a ranch... we had very few 'lectric fences - I think my father believed that 'real' ranchers should be able to keep cattle in with a proper barb-wire fence. I do know ours were generally built and maintained to a higher standard than those of the mere 'farmers' around us. Somehow, the dang critters still managed to get out... :rolleyes:

    Never did have the urge to grab, piss on, or otherwise 'lectrocute myself on a fence. I saved those urges for later in life working with electrical generation and distribution systems. In case you didn't know it, 400 cycle hurts *way* worse than straight up DC :D

    When we first moved up here to WA state, we purchased a little place out in the country. 2.6 acres, alongside the highway and straddling a creek. The seller had moved to a piece directly above us, and their dog was having a hard time figuring out they didn't live down below anymore. Specifically, the little $hit (bulldog-something mix) developed a fondness for chasing our horses - while the girls were on them. Needless to say, he was getting dangerously close to 3S status (shoot, shovel, & shut-up) gun)

    The sellers had had to keep one of their horses inside the round corral, because 'it always got out of the electric fence otherwise'. Well, I found out why - their 'fence' had to be the biggest joke I'd ever seen (remember what I mentioned earlier about ranchers and higher standards for fences?). T-posts turned in the ground to where the conductor grazed the metal, insulators in corners had the conductor *and* tie wires going through the same hole, and the killer was the wire from the charger to the fence was regular 12 gauge stranded *house* wire, rated for 600v, not 9000 - the insulation was starting to fall apart and I'm seriously surprised it hadn't set the barn on fire yet (it looped up through the rafters and out to a maypole and down to the fence. 9000v charger, and by the time it got to the fence (100' away) it was down to 2000v, and by the time it made it another 100' down the fence, you could grabe the wire with your bare hand - and I'm *not* one of those kinds of people who can normally get away with that kind of shenannigans.

    So... I fixed it. Re-routed the power from the charger to the fence via dedicated underground conductor (rated for electric fence voltages) buried in pipe, and fixed all the associated grounds and shorts and other ills. The horses came up to the fence, backed up, stuck their nose out and you could see the hairs on their muzzles sticking out from the static charge - they decided not to test it any furtherlightbulb

    The priceless part was when the neighbor's dog (remember that nuisance?) came barreling down the hill, through the creek (soaking him thoroughly from stem to stern)... right smack into that fence - to which I'd thoughtfully added a lower third conductor right about dog-height off the ground :cool:

    You could hear the ki-yi yelp for about a quarter mile, and there was a rooster-tail of dust back up the hill. Neighbors said he about tore apart their door getting back in, and after three days he still refused to leave the house. Amazingly enough... he never, ever, ever even came within a hundred yards of that fence again:D
  10. ejones338

    ejones338 Well-Known Member

    Jan 29, 2009
    Wow!!! I can't say that I have ever had it that bad, but growing up on the farm and around many other farms and ranches, I have had many run ins with some mean fences.
    While peeing in the dark I have been lifted and set flat on my back a feet away, and one time after fishing and swimming I was wet head to toe going through a barbed wire fence that unknown to me was charged. When that first barb stuck into my back I screamed like a little girl watching her brother rip the head off barbie. Then I made things worse by thrashing to get through the fence. I don't ever want to go down that road again.
  11. BigDaddy0381

    BigDaddy0381 Well-Known Member

    Apr 30, 2007
    ewww barb wire. I was about 7 and rode my go cart into a barb wire fence. i hurt for a day or so.I have about 30 2 inch cuts from head to toe. After i heeld up my grandpa made me help in fixing the fence.

    About the worse fun pain I have had was when I put some hay in the big barn door.the cow came to eat and when it did I jumped out of the loft in its back. About the time a grabed a hand ful of ears it jumpes and off we went. i don't know who was more scared.the cow for having an 80 pound idiot on its back that fell from the sky or me trying to figuer out what to do next.jump off or ride it untill it dies.She spun around and ran in the barn. She used everything in the barn to hit me on. I hurt from head to toe for a week after that.

    Me and some friends went cow tipping one was my 10th birthday. I got my first true cowboy rope. well I slung it over the cows neck.Well it woke up and here we go. It drug me for about 100 yards in the dark who would have thunk to let the rope was my b-day present and i was going to keep it. well it took 2 weeks before i found it out i the field.
  12. ejones338

    ejones338 Well-Known Member

    Jan 29, 2009
    Heh! Heh! Bit off more than you could chew with that cow.
  13. royinidaho

    royinidaho Writers Guild

    Jan 20, 2004
    LMAO w/TInMyEys

    That was a gut buster....