How to Start a fight

Discussion in 'Humor' started by JUDD, Jul 10, 2011.

  1. JUDD

    JUDD Well-Known Member

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    Found this on another site...

    HOW TO START A FIGHT
    1. One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started...

    2. My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
    'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started...

    3. My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
    And then the fight started...

    4. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer...always something more important to me.
    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house...
    I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    5. My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, "What's on TV?"
    I said, "Dust."
    And then the fight started...

    6. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed...I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
    And that's how the fight started...

    7. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And then the fight started...
    8. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home, get my wallet and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

    And then the fight started...


    9. My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

    And then the fight started...
     
  2. WyoElk2Hunt

    WyoElk2Hunt Well-Known Member

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    Aug 15, 2009
    I can relate to all of these fight starters.
     

  3. trebark

    trebark Well-Known Member

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    Jan 16, 2008
    Hilarious. Glad to have step by step instructions.
     
  4. winmag

    winmag Well-Known Member

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    Dec 23, 2009
    Pretty funny.
     
  5. bigngreen

    bigngreen Well-Known Member

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    Nov 24, 2008
    I read most of them to my wife and that was almost as entertaining as reading it myself!
     
  6. Damol

    Damol Well-Known Member

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    Nov 29, 2010
    Loved it! I needed a good chuckle, with this I got it. Thanks. :D
     
  7. permaculture

    permaculture Well-Known Member

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    Jul 10, 2011
    Here are some on a more personal level....

    Me to Wife: If you are serious about becoming a consulting diet nutritionist you need to focus on your own body first because overweight nutritionists have less credibility.

    ..and then the fight started.



    My wife asked me if I liked her new shoes. I replied, yes, Tiffany at work has a pair just like them
    ..and then the fight started...
     
  8. scotsgun

    scotsgun Well-Known Member

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    Nov 3, 2008
    The wife keeps complaining that her boobs are too small and that she'd like bigger ones.

    I suggested she try rubbing between them with toilet paper as it seems to have done wonders with her arse.......and then the fight started.