craigs list posting

Discussion in 'Humor' started by dogdinger, Jan 31, 2009.

  1. dogdinger

    dogdinger Writers Guild

    Dec 1, 2007
    To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown
    (Downtown, Savannah )

    I was the white guy with the black
    Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after
    you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked
    for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you
    somehow come across this message.

    I'd like to apologize. I
    didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my
    pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the
    jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that
    cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that
    Kim ber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just
    picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful
    pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed
    at your head, isn't it?

    &n bsp; I know it probably wasn't a great
    deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
    with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm
    sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your
    shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have
    you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to
    mug us again.

    I took the liberty of calling your
    mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your
    cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought
    myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of
    the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with
    all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet
    itself in a dumpster. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers
    from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case
    you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down
    the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over
    a day now, so I don't know what's going on with
    that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your
    service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to
    the DA's office with it. Oh well.

    So, about your pants. I know20that I
    was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted
    mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm
    sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like
    to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the
    detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and
    was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for
    not killing you and instead making you walk back home
    humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your
    choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky.

    If you read this message, email me
    and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

    - Alex