"Some of these are old, some older!"
- Never argue with an idiot, he'll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
- If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.
- I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- You don't need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.
- The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas!
- Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
- I scream the same way whether I'm about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
- There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
- You're never too old to learn something stupid.
- "So many assholes, so few bullets"
- Remember, you are unique. Just like everybody else