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Made my sides hurt, to funny

 
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  #1  
Old 02-17-2009, 01:31 AM
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 252
Made my sides hurt, to funny

I have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the
entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest Cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into
the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the
ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart
6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the
yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running
lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls
trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that
Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark
in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says one cannot crap, pee, and get a nut at the
same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel
movement, where time is creeping along and you're all
leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes
in between but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand..

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds)
into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go.
I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences...
but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long
ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the
permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the
tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'.
But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely
and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day...he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it.

I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might first think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect
for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over
the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
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Old 02-17-2009, 09:50 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 12
Re: Made my sides hurt, to funny

Do not read this if you are at work and are supposed to be doing something productive. Everybody in the office knows you are goofing off by the way you are snickering and your eyes are full of tears.


Awesome read!!!!!
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Old 02-17-2009, 10:01 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 453
Re: Made my sides hurt, to funny

Oh my southpaw that is funny in a sick way but still funny. I have been is a fence like that my self. It will make you wind your ass and scratch your watch really fast.
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Old 02-17-2009, 01:13 PM
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 252
Re: Made my sides hurt, to funny

I posted this with a degree of relatedness. When I was a young boy I pissed on an electric fence not knowing what it was. I have an uncle to thank for that little life lesson--LOL

Isn't family great.

Southpaw
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  #5  
Old 02-17-2009, 02:38 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 453
Re: Made my sides hurt, to funny

yeah family is great. my uncles have about killed me more than once.

In high school I helped a guy run fence for horse and cattle farms. small one's in Ga. It never failed after running a nice elec fence i would always touch it. I guess I was dumber then than I am now. always testing something.

The fun ones was the pulse fence. It would send a pulse about every 10 seconds or so. the first few times I would get lucky but then testing my luck it would knock fire from my nose.
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Old 02-17-2009, 05:57 PM
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Montana
Posts: 432
Re: Made my sides hurt, to funny

Yep, when we were young on the farm, we thought we would shock some frogs. NOT, don't know if they felt it but we sure did!
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Old 02-22-2009, 08:57 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 94
Re: Made my sides hurt, to funny

This post brings back fond memories. My grandfather has very few nerve ending in his body. I don't why, but this man feels no pain. I have seen him numerous times grab an electric fence, raise a foot and sparks fly from his foot to the wet grass below. Anyone have any idea what goes through the mind of a 5 year old when he witnesses this type of thing. I do! I tried this several times over the years, but never once was I man enough to make sparks fly out of my feet. Not that I can remember anyway. Memory gets a little foggy when you have that kind of amperage running through you.
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