Note: this real story is not mine. Author is a co-worker airline pilot but I could so much see the same happening to me...
So I get home from my Saturday night trip night at 5:15 in the morning. I drive into my garage, the cat follows the car in and I close the door. The Dog is giving me that "I gotta go right now!" look, (no one is home, Son is with my parents, Wife is out on a trip of her own).
So I figure great, I will get the mail and let the dog out all in one shot. I love when he runs into the woods across the street to crap instead of on the lawn where I have to clean it up. So anyway.... Dog and cat are waiting by front door when I get there. As soon as I open the front door, cat makes a 35 foot long leap and lands just short of the mail box. Did I mention my cat is big? Its a main coon cat. Anyway, dog appears to chase cat out the door.
Next thing I hear and see is a snarling, hissing, barking ball of teeth and claws that looks like something out of a cartoon. I think they have finally had it with each other and are in a battle to the death... Then I notice the color black in the pile. (the dog is a chocolate lab these days) then the color white... Then the smell. They had cornered a family of skunks on the narrow path that leads to the mail box between them. And predictably the dog lost. Dog is now HOWLING and blind (sprayed in the eyes) thrashing around. I call him (HUGE MISTAKE) and he takes off to my voice and charges into me and into the house... Race after the dog into the house and try and corral him in the garage, thinking I can take him out the back door of the garage to wash him.
Get him in garage. Go back to close front door. Close front door. Walk through house to go back to the garage, see Cat dismembering skunk in living room. During the time it took to corral the dog, the cat had brought one of the skunks into the house and tortured/killed it. My eyes are now watering. Grab cat and throw out the back door on the deck. Cat is still holding onto his skunk, so at least I didn't have to touch that. Slam slider to back deck with enough force to damage frame. So much for trying to keep the dog from spreading the skunk oil all over the house. The cat did it instead...
Now go and find dog. Go to garage, can't find dog. Call dog. Head pops up out of open window of car. Unable to find anything soft in garage to wipe face on, dog jumps into car and starts wiping on seats. (Note to self: will not teach next dog to jump in window of car on command). Drag dog out of car and down back steps to lower deck and tie to railing. Go in the house and find shampoo and Hydrogen peroxide. Come out of house, dog has chewed through leash and is plowing his face through the grass in the back yard where he likes to ****. Picture just the back legs working and the front legs retracted. He is racing back and forth across the wet grass and dogshit at top speed doing this. Charming....
Give shampoo to dog. Drench dog in Hydrogen peroxide (Oxidizes the skunk smell) wait 5 minutes and shampoo again. Dog finally calmes down and lets me just endlessly soak his face in the running water. Take dog back in house and realize he is bleeding from his nose. (The skunk spray is very acidic and will burn through the skin on their noses and eyes) get him dried off and the bleeding stopped and take off uniform and crash into bed around 7:00AM.
Wake up at 9:30AM. Take dog to vet. Vet gives drops for corneas of dog. Go home. Neighbor complains of skunk smell. Sigh, and resist urge to choke 75 year old retired PANAM/UAL pilot. Go to back yard first and start to spray bleach around area where I shampooed dog. finish there , look at lawn realize there is no way on gods green earth I can pick up the dogshit from the lawn because the dog spread it evenly over the entire lawn with his face last night. Sigh, resist urge to shoot dog.
Take bleach sprayer to front of house to clean up site of the battle and what the ****, The largest ground hog I have ever seen is laying dead in walk right at the site of the battle. Was he involved? or did he just walk by and die from the stench, I have no freaking idea. Never really looked at one before, they just looked like big fuzzy lumps of road kill. This thing has 2 VERY long teeth almost like tusks... But How the hell did a dead ground hog get on my front walk?
And now I get the to spend the rest of the day bleaching the tile floors and shampooing the carpets of my house. Its seams hopeless, and after I do that I have to do the car. Maybe a nice clensing fire instead... but atleast I had this break to vent. BTW, I am having a party this summer for all that can attend, if the house still smells like skunks, at least you know the story.